Sex Toys and Where to Purchase Them

While a disability can be challenging to full sexual expression, sexual aids and toys can bring you new and powerful dimensions of pleasure. Whether used with a partner or individually, they can increase body awareness, produce immense amounts of stimulation and enhance your overall sense of sexual well-being.
You'll find a wide variety of sex toys at your local adult or sex toy store. If your confidence isn't quite up to that, try one of the mail order catalogs listed in the resources--they provide a wonderful opportunity for you and your partner to discuss likes and dislikes in the privacy of your home.
Toys R Us
The most common sex toys are vibrators, often referred to as "muscle relaxers" or "body massagers." In real life, vibrators are used by women for clitoral and vaginal stimulation. They are produced in every shape, size and color imaginable, and are made of vinyl, rubber or hard plastic.
Plug-in vibrators, are powerful and provide strong and consistent genital stimulation. Most have multiple speeds and come with a variety of heads. Battery-operated vibrators are inexpensive, portable and offer a gentler vibration.
Another good addition to any women's stash of sex toys is a vibrating clitoral stimulator. They're great to wear in private for no-hands sexual gratification. Other models are designed for sharing and feature an attached ring to accommodate a penis--no penetration required. Use your imagination.
For men, sleeves which slide over the penis and apply suction and stimulation to the glans can provide new opportunities to explore masturbation. Or sharing masturbation with a partner can be informative and highly erotic for both parties.
Penis pumps are another option--they encase the penis while a vacuum pump, operated by a small motor or a squeeze bulb, eagerly sucks away. For those gents who desire an ego booster, some manufacturers have included a built-in gauge that measures exactly your newly acquired length.
More Gadgets
Dildos have been around since the dawn of humanity and probably will be for a while longer. Made of pliant silicone these days, they can be used for vaginal or anal penetration and come in every configuration you might think of and many you probably wouldn't. For safety, dildos intended for anal use should have a flared base.
Prosthetic penile aides are hollow dildos, usually made of latex, and can be worn by either males or females. They are held on with adjustable elastic straps or a "universal harness" designed for any dildo or penile aide with a flared base.
Lubricants add a sensual slickness to sexual stimulation. Many are odorless, tasteless and non-staining, and some are edible. Others warm up when you blow on them--a tasteful way to create a hot environment! But use only water-based lubes--oil-based lubicrants destroy the latex used in condoms, dams and diaphragms.
There are many toys available for bondage aficionados. Most catalogs offer blindfolds--some lined in fake fur--buckled or hook-and-loop restraints, slappers and hand cuffs. One ensemble offers a black leather set with silver chain, wrist restraints and buckled collar--leash optional.

Yet more toys: positioning pillows, "smittens" (textured mittens). tranquillity balls, safe sex kits, guides, books, erotic videos, feathers, games, leather accessories and various attachments for the nipples and genitals.
Before you begin experimenting with your new (or old) sex toys, try to set the mood. Prepare yourself emotionally by watching erotica, listening to music or lighting incense. Get in tune with your environment and create your own sensual space. Relax. Feel your breath on your lips. Be creative; your desire is to create more pleasure. Be your own Prophet of Pleasure.

Finding the Most Orgasmic Positions For Sex

Their faces fill the screen, twisting into expressions of pleasure that out of context could be mistaken as pain. Their sounds, in unison, tell us in no uncertain terms of perfectly timed, highly explosive orgasms. Hollywood perpetuates the myth that every couple, even on first coital encounter, will experience simultaneous orgasms. In reality, however, the majority of women are unable to climax during intercourse. Statistics will vary, but it is often stated that only thirty-five percent of orgasmic women are able to get there with penile-vaginal thrusting.
Countless women, fearing that they are somehow inadequate for not being at that peak when their partner is, fake their orgasms as their partners ejaculate. Most women do not fake orgasms, however, so countless men feel inferior because their partners were not ready when they were. Men end up wishing they were bigger or able to last longer.
While there are many books describing a wide variety of coital positions, few evaluate the gymnastic configurations in terms of effectiveness in bringing the woman to orgasm. Sure, simultaneous orgasms are nice, but there are many ways to achieve mutual satisfaction. A man can orally or manually bring his partner to orgasm either before or after intercourse. There are also several coital positions in which the man can caress his partner’s clitoris with his fingers, or she can reach down and stimulate herself manually or with her favorite vibrator. Still, however, many couples would like to learn how the woman can reach her orgasm during intercourse.
Let’s begin with some basic anatomy. For the vast majority of women the clitoris is much more sensitive than the vaginal canal. Remember that women’s external genitals are called the vulva, and the tube inside the body is called the vagina. Between the lips of the vulva are the clitoris and, about an inch below that, the vaginal opening. In many positions of intercourse, the man’s penis enters the vagina directly, completely missing the sensitive clitoris. In addition, with deep thrusting the bodies separate on the "back stroke." If thirty-five percent of women are making it, some are doing something right or, most likely, everyone does not fit the same mold. Some women can stop reading now, but the majority should continue.
There have been many theories about female orgasms during intercourse. It was proposed that some women could reach orgasm during intercourse because the movement of the penis in and out of the vaginal opening was pulling on the surrounding tissue and causing the sensitive clitoris to slide back and forth under its hood. Then came a distinction between orgasms felt in the pelvic floor (PC) muscles, those felt only as uterine contractions, and those "blended orgasms" that involved both. That evolved into a distinction between clitoral, vaginal and blended orgasms. Then the "discovery" and reporting of the G-spot was thrown in to complicate things, because there is still a lot of misinformation about this magical spot, and it is not as sensitive for some women as it is for others.
Somewhere in the evolution of ideas, the relatively complicated concept of the "coital alignment technique" (CAT position) emerged (see Eichel, E. & Nobile, P., The Perfect Fit, 1993, Signet Books). It is possible to simplify the valuable lessons of The Perfect Fit, for essentially what emerged was the obvious . . . in order for a woman to reach orgasm during intercourse, she must have her clitoris in contact with something and it must be stimulated. Think about it. In the most popular position, the man-on-top "missionary position," the woman’s legs are spread wide and the man is low between her thighs. He has a straight shot into her vaginal opening and his pelvic thrusts move him in and out of his partner’s vagina, one inch below her clitoris! At this point many women realize that the bedroom ceiling needs to be repainted. Now, let’s make some modifications. When the man is on top and has made penetration, he needs to slide his body up higher on his partner’s so that the shaft of his erection goes down over her clitoris. If they then keep their pubic bones in contact (as recommended in The Perfect Fit) and both rock with short pelvic thrusts, his penis will be sliding over her clitoris. Since his thrusts are short, his stimulation is decreased and he should, therefore, be able to last longer, and since her stimulation is increased, she should be able to progress steadily toward her orgasm. It often happens that the woman will orgasm first and, as she experiences her final orgasmic contractions, the man can then increase the speed and distance of his thrusting and follow her closely with his climax. This works every bit as well if the woman is on top, lying on her partner’s body. After penetration she slides down on his body, bringing her clitoris in contact with the base of his erection. Now, if they rock on each other’s pubic bones she can receive very effective stimulation and increase the probability of reaching orgasm before or as her partner reaches his. In fact, a man on his back usually can last a little longer than in any position in which he has to support his own weight.
If a woman is on top and she is going up and down, it might feel great to the man, but every time she goes up she has lifted her clitoris into the air. In addition, the man is likely to be thrusting also and the long strokes will bring him steadily toward his climax. Let’s immobilize the man . . . have him lie passive and relaxed on his back. His partner mounts and straddles his body, guides the penetration and sits down on him. She might hesitate for just a minute, for that initial penetration can be quite exciting to a man. Once he is settled, she should lean forward until she feels her clitoris pressing against the base of his erection. Now if the man remains passive, the woman can slide – not up and down, but more front to back. She will be in control of the angle and of the speed. Most women will be leaning forward supporting themselves on extended arms, with hands either on her partner’s chest or on the bed. Some women can lie their chest down on their partner’s, staying pressed back to keep the clitoris against his erection and rotating the pelvis up and down to rub against that firm, conveniently located shaft. Again – it is not unusual for the woman to reach climax first, whereupon she can lift her body enough for the man to thrust and bring himself to orgasm.
Other positions are novel and exciting, and as mentioned, fingers and toys can get into the act. However, if a woman is orgasmic but has never experienced one during intercourse and wants to try, she should forget about getting her legs up on his shoulders or standing on her head. Try the recommended positions above, remembering the importance of clitoral contact and the importance of the woman having primary control of angle and speed. Don’t forget, however, that your goal is always to have fun as you explore a variety of exciting options

Interview with Dr. Marty Klein, Author of Beyond Orgasm

Learning to be honest with ourselves and our partners is the corner stone of building a successful relationship with our partners. Dr. Marty Klein has recently published a book on embarking upon this process. Beyond Orgasm: Dare to be Honest About the Sex You Really Want maps out why we keep sexual secrets and how we can overcome the power they hold over our lives. Dr. Klein recently discussed the book with Dr. Kathleen Van Kirk of Libida.com
Dr. Kat - What's the main point that people can get out of this book?
Dr. Klein – Well, it talks about the need for sexual self acceptance and the difficulty people have in achieving this given the way our culture works. We're all trained from youth to reject parts of our sexuality. And as we go into young adulthood most people have anxiety regarding whether or not they're sexually "normal". When people have trouble accepting themselves sexually they're worried about other people rejecting them sexually as well. That's really at the core of people having difficulty or being unwilling in revealing themselves to their partners sexually.
Dr. Kat – Why are we so caught up in being sexually normal?
Dr. Klein - It definitely accounts for our "intercourse only" orientation, or shall we say obsession. This is usually the focus of people who are struggling with the question of whether or not they're sexually normal. These individuals struggle to connect with others sexually with out revealing too much of themselves because they don't want to be rejected. And because intercourse is really the only kind of sex that's accepted culturally these people end up feeling boxed in. You know it's accepted as normal -- people do it, and those people will have fewer worries that someone will say "Ew, you want to do that? Yuck! What kind of sexual pervert are you?" So, for people who are even mildly outside of the norm they end up feeling rejected. That's why sticking to intercourse is just plain safer for many people. And it's why I've called the book Beyond Orgasm because this is a book that helps people get beyond the intercourse focus, beyond the cultural ideal of what is normal.
Dr. Kat - Let's say someone is getting sexually honest with themselves and their partners. How do they deal with those partners who are not going to understand their desires?
Dr. Klein - Probably just by being a little more grown up about it. They can choose to see it as a rejection, but actually it's more of a statement about the other person than about themselves. And they can see that it doesn't have to reflect upon their own sexual identity. And that's really important as a whole. They can deal with the rejection as a fact but not as a fact about their identity. Not a statement of whether they're ok or not. People need to get really honest with themselves, to be able to truly admit to themselves "this is who I am sexually".
Dr. Kat - Have you noticed mistakes that other therapists or authors have made in dealing with this issue?
Dr. Klein - One of the big mistakes that a lot therapists and self help books make, is they take the sort of liberal position of "Don't worry honey, you're normal. A lot of other people do what you're doing. Lots of people have those fantasies." While in the short that support may provide some relief, in the long run it's a bad strategy. I think we can do better than just assure people that they're normal. I think the more ambitious project is to help people disconnect from the anxiety of whether they're normal or not.
Dr. Kat - So they're basically being set up for failure. Because if you do have someone who presents with let's say a specific fetish to send them out the door by saying "you're normal", won't help them when they're with their next partner who most likely won't share the interest in the fetish because its still not common, right?
Dr. Klein - Right, it would be great if they could find someone to reinforce their normality but the fact is that the difficulties that person would have in hooking up with someone would be a reflection of are they "ok" if that's the only option they've been given.
Dr. Kat - You also discuss problems with some of the other popular theories out there, specifically John Grey's Mars and Venus. Are there other popular beliefs that you think affect the concept of sexual honesty negatively?
Dr. Klein - There are a lot popular books and personalities out there that rigidly say this is normal and that is not. Dr. Phil for instance is very keen on telling people whether they are normal or not. And he's very big on drawing boundaries around sexuality rather than encouraging people to explore their sexualities. He's very conservative in that he wants people to do it "the right way", making sure people don't exist in unconventional arrangements with their partners. For example he believes that non-monogamy is never good, that adults who choose to go to swing parties or engage in other consensual acts outside the norm are not good. And he doesn't have much of a justification for that other than he believes that it's not normal. He refers to people who want to do these sorts of things in a variety of nasty names, such as sluts and whores. He doesn't ever examine the specifics as far as if one couple versus another has the maturity or level of communication to handle it, if they have the same goals, is it a viable, reasonable thing for them to do as a couple? I'm concerned about people who are exposed to Dr Phil's ideas. He basically wants to take over people's decision making processes and he wants to make the decisions for them. Not only do I think that's bad for people's sex lives, but bad for them in general.
Dr. Kat – I also noticed the photographs you use in the book. What significance do they play?
Dr. Klein – David Steinberg did the photos and I believe he truly captured the kind of sex that we all want to have. They reflect the feeling that people want to have without them being terribly explicit. He photographed people's faces and arrangement of their limbs in relation to each other that really show playfulness, openness and sense of exploration. They nicely illustrate what it's like to be in the kind of relationship I'm talking about in the book – a miniature model of the type of sexual relationship that's possible for us all.

Orgasms: Good for body, mind and soul

Orgasms, what’s not to love? - That wash of electrical energy that bursts from our genitals to our toes; leaving that achingly pleasurable pulse of satisfaction and relaxation. How could something that feels so good be good for you too? Usually, anything that causes such pleasure (downing a bottle of wine, eating that whole box of chocolates) isn’t considered “good” for us. Luckily, researchers and physicians are finally wising up to what some of us already knew: sex and orgasms are good for your body, mind and soul. Specifically it’s now being confirmed that sex and orgasm have positive effects on most of the major bodily processes, as well as soothing our stressed out minds. So, we’ve chosen to enlighten (or remind) everyone that orgasms are good and sexual repression can mean that you’re not as fit as you could be. So, let’s review the research and along the way suggest some vibrators to help you stay healthy. Orgasms… Relieve Tension: The relaxation that typically follows orgasm is often one of the few times people actually allow themselves to completely relax and let go of the day’s stresses. In the afterglow of an orgasm it’s usually impossible to focus on distracting thoughts. And the Classic Vibe, delivers consistent vibration that you can always count on when the stress is too much. Help you sleep better: Following an orgasm men usually experience a quick drop in blood pressure and fall into sudden relaxation. For women the effect is more progressive but just as powerful. Consider orgasm as your own personal tranquilizer – throw the Ambien out and overcome insomnia. Let the joyful release of endorphins take over and calm your body and mind right into a nap -- except you might want to negotiate with your partner for a little pre-nap kanoodle before they konk out. Boost your immune system: With orgasm DHEA is released and Dr. Theresa Crenshaw author of Alchemy of Love and Lust, says, “DHEA may be the most powerful chemical in our personal world. It helps balance the immune system, improves cognition, promotes bone growth, and maintains and repairs tissues, keeping your skin healthy and supple. It can mean less frequent colds and flu.” In fact, Wilkes University in Pennsylvania says those who have sex once or twice a week show 30% higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A, which is known to boost the immune system. Reduce Depression: Well, who wouldn’t be happier with an orgasm a day? Many hormones are positively affected by the act of sex and orgasm, which can lead to a lighter mood. Another theory is proposed by psychologist Gordon Gallup who states that Prostaglandin, a hormone found only in semen (which upon being absorbed in the female genital tract) may have led to 30% more of his female study participants to report feeling happier than the participants who didn’t have men ejaculate inside of them. So, he can apparently make you feel happy inside and out. But in case you don’t want to rely upon “him” try the Jake, . Help you eat better: Sexual stimulation activates the production of phenetylamine, a natural amphetamine that regulates your appetite. So start curbing those midnight cravings with a little midnight sex. Improve your sense of smell: It seems kind of random but apparently after sex, the production of the hormone prolactin surges. This then causes stem cells in the brain to develop new neurons in the brain’s olfactory bulb -- its smell center. Perhaps this is why pheromones are so important in attraction. Strengthen your body: Muscle contraction as a form of exercise is generally good for any muscle. The muscle contraction associated with orgasm can also address issues such as erection problems and incontinence. When 178 Belgian men with minor erection problems participated in a four month daily rehabilitation program which primarily focused on Kegel exercises, 74% showed improvement and 43% reported they were cured. For women, Kegels strengthen the entire uro-genital tract, aid in easing childbirth and prevents the onset of incontinence. Alleviate Pain: Oxytocin should be everyone’s favorite hormone. When oxytocin is secreted in your body it helps release those wonderful endorphins we’ve been discussing. Because of these natural opiates, sex and specifically orgasm become a powerful analgesic, elevating the pain threshold. Orgasms can even help to relieve the pain of arthritis, whiplash and headaches. Now that’s a prescription everyone can follow. Reduce your risk of heart disease: It’s simple -- by having sex three or more times a week, individuals reduce their risk of heart attack or stroke by half. The Slim Classic, can help guarantee that you’ll remain heart healthy. Increase blood flow: As fresh blood supply arrives, your cells, organs and muscles are saturated with fresh oxygen and hormones, and as the used blood is removed, you also remove waste products that cause fatigue and even illness. This can be contributed to all of that deep breathing and muscle contraction occurring up to and through orgasm. Help you lose weight: There are 3500 calories in a pound of fat. For every 3500 calories you burn you will lose one pound of fat. Sexual intercourse burns approximately 150 calories per half hour. In comparison, yoga uses 114 calories per half hour, dancing 129, walking - 3mph 153, weight training 153, volleyball 174. The pulse rate, in an aroused person, rises from about 70 beats per minute to 150, the same as that of an athlete putting forth maximum effort. British researchers have determined that the equivalent of six Big Macs can be worked off by having sex three times a week for a year. For some “candy” you can really enjoy while burning those calories, try the Lollipop. Create healthier relationships: Oxytocin is also considered the bonding hormone -- another reason to love it. It spikes three to five times higher than usual just before orgasm, actually triggering it. It can also be elevated through touch. Maybe that’s why so many of us feel compelled to blurt out how much we love our partner at climax. Either way, you’re partner will probably be happy to welcome the Jimmy, into bed. Help you to live longer: A British study of 1,000 people found those who had at least two orgasms a week had half the death rate of the rest of the country which admitted to indulging in sex less than once a month. Live long and prosper with lots of orgasms!

Taoism and Sexuality

Taoism is a spiritual tradition that embraces our sexual desire and uses it within our bodies as a force for healing and spiritual growth. Desire is a rich and potent part of our human experience. The Taoists think of desire, called sexual energy or jing chi, as part of our life energy, or chi. To be passionate is to be full of chi. The English words "desire" or "passion" connote a feeling of yearning and fervor that includes sex, but they also reflect our strongest feelings about life. When we are passionate about anything--our family, our work, our spirituality, an important social cause--we are investing our chi in this experience. Our passion is what moves us to action and ultimately is what gives us joy. We are passionate about the things that matter most to us.
We often speak of "getting horny" as if we were being invaded by some lewd, demonic (notice the horns) force. But the powerful energy of arousal is basic to our humanity. It is not, as conservative religious thinkers have taught, a dark force that separates us from God, but is the essence of what can compel us to live dynamic and fruitful lives. It is the fact that sexual energy is so powerful that has prompted most major religions to control and restrict sexual behavior, especially the behavior of women. Reestablishing our connection with our desire is part of recovering our personal power.
Once you have awakened your passion, or sexual energy, the Healing Love practices, as taught by world-renowned Taoist master, Mantak Chia, can teach you how to direct and refine your sexual energy so that you can benefit from its gifts. Though our modern world suffers from ignorance about sexuality on the one hand and blatant exploitation of sexuality on the other, Healing Love offers a several-thousand-year-old wisdom about how to live in our bodies as sexual beings and to use our passion to become the people we want to be.
Taoist Secrets of Sexuality
Taoism is the foundation of Chinese philosophy and medicine. It is a comprehensive physical and spiritual system that helps individuals to reach their highest potentials. It is perhaps best known in this country as the basis for Traditional Chinese Medicine, which includes acupuncture, herbal therapy, nutrition, massage, the energetic meditation called Chi Kung (pronounced "chee kong"), and the martial art called Tai Chi Chuan ("tie chee chwan"). The Universal Tao system was developed by Mantak Chia to teach Taoist meditative and exercise techniques to balance the body and increase and refine one’s vital energy, or chi ("chee"). The sexual practice, or Healing Love, is an essential part of this system.
"Chi," the Chinese word for life energy, is the force within our bodies and within the universe that engenders life. The word itself has many translations, such as energy, air, breath, wind, or vital essence. There are 49 cultures around the world that understand the concept of chi in one form or another; examples include Ki (Japanese), Prana (Sanskrit), Lung (Tibetan), Neyatoneyah (Lakota Sioux), Num (Kalahari Kung), and Ruach (Hebrew).
"Western culture" and allopathic medicine, often called Western or conventional medicine, is one of the few cultures that does not have a similar concept, although it recognizes the role of energy at the molecular level. Western medicine is extremely effective for treating acute disease and traumatic injuries. However, I believe that it is, in part, the absence of this concept of "life force" that limits its effectiveness in treating chronic illnesses. Western medicine is just beginning to recognize what the Taoists have known for more than 2,000 years, that directing the flow of our life force, our chi, can improve our health and vitality.
In The Multi-Orgasmic Woman you can learn to use your concentration and your breath to activate and move your energy; this practice is called Chi Kung. It involves both concentration exercises and simple movements to facilitate the flow of chi. Used throughout China and now widely practiced in the United States, Chi Kung is an ancient and effective practice for many health issues. I often refer to the Healing Love sexual practice as "Chi Kung for the bedroom."
Once you become aware of your chi, you'll find that it's rather easy to notice and feel it. Try this simple exercise. Briskly rub your palms together until you produce heat. Now slowly separate your palms until they are about an inch apart. You should feel a "cushion" of air between them that may feel like pressure, heat, or tingling. This sensation is the chi passing between your hands.
In all traditions meditative practices calm and focus the mind. The Healing Tao meditative practices do this by focusing on the movement of chi. The basic practice is based on circulating chi through a body circuit called the Microcosmic Orbit, which is like an energy superhighway in the body. The Microcosmic Orbit runs from your tailbone up your spine to your brain (the Back Channel) and then returns down the front of your body in the midline (the Front Channel). By using the focus of your mind, you can direct the chi up the spine as you breathe in and let it "fall" down the Front Channel to your abdomen as you breathe out.
As you become adept at sensing and moving your chi, you will also be able to move your sexual energy, or jing chi, in the same pathway. The ability to expand and move your sexual energy is what allows you to increase your pleasure and intensify your orgasms, no matter what your current level of sexual experience is. It also allows you to transform your sexual energy into chi, or life force, which will give you a great deal more energy out of the bedroom as you live your life in the world. And when your chi is strong and your intention is clear, your chi is transformed into spiritual energy, or shen.
The Healing Love practices are rich and powerful enough to do for hours each day, but flexible enough to energize you or help relieve physical or emotional stress in minutes. The sexual practices initially take some time to understand and feel in your body, but they can then be seamlessly integrated into lovemaking with astounding results: more pleasure, intimacy, and vibrancy than youve ever experienced.
The Taoist practice offers a practical method to access and integrate the two most powerful healing forces in the world: real love and sexual energy. These practices can increase your pleasure and invigorate your body and soul.
Copyright Rachel Abrams 2005
For more information, visit www.multiorgasmicwoman.com
Author
Rachel Carlton Abrams, M.D. is a family practice physician who specializes in complementary medicine as well as women's health and sexuality. The coauthor of The Multi-Orgasmic Couple, she lives in northern California with her husband and three children.
Master Mantak Chia is the world's best-known teacher of the Taoist arts, from Tai Chi to Taoist sexuality. He is the author of the best-sellers The Multi-Orgasmic Man and The Multi-Orgasmic Couple as well as the self-published classics Taoist Secrets of Love and Healing Love through the Tao. He lives in Thailand and teaches in the United States and around the world.

The Role of Emotions in Orgasm

When pioneer sex researchers Masters and Johnson studied human sexual response, they chose men and women who were easily orgasmic and observed them masturbate to orgasm in a lab. There they found that men and women could reach orgasm in about the same amount of time. The results painted a picture of more similarities than differences in sexual responsiveness, with women actually having the upper hand so to speak. In the lab, women demonstrated the ability to be multiorgasmic whereas men failed to come through with more than one orgasm at a time. A theory of sexual response based on controlled laboratory research is one thing but real life experience tells another story. In a more representative sample of men and women in the United States, 61% of women who engaged in self-pleasuring always or usually experienced an orgasm vs. 82 % of men; yet only 29% of women reported always having an orgasm during sex with a partner vs. 75% of men. Women clearly have more difficulty finding their way to orgasm in the context of a relationship than do men. From a medical perspective, men are somewhat more pre~Sdick~Ttable. It has been assumed that if a man can keep his erection throughout intercourse then he will have an orgasm 98% of the time. This assumption stems from a medical model of sex that can be more easily understood as the friction model. The friction model of sex is straightforward, mechanical, and genitally focused. Take an erect penis, apply a sufficient level of stimulation, and voila, the result will be ejaculation and orgasm. Female sexual response has proven to be more complex. After 8 years of research and several large-scale placebo-controlled studies involving approximately 3,000 women, Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, has ditched efforts to demonstrate that Viagra is an effective treatment for women. Simply improving blood flow to women~Rs genitals hasn~Rt translated into significant improvements in women~Rs subjective sense of sexual arousal or their ability to have an orgasm. For some strange reason, women in real life seem to need psychological stimulation in order to perceive their arousal. Medical science is finding out what most feminist critics have known for a long time: women ain~Rt men! For women, psychological, emotional, and relationship factors play a greater role in determining ability to orgasm than for men. In general, women need to feel a sense of emotional connection with their partners, not just a genital one, to get them started on the pathway to pleasure. Orgasm itself, as sex therapist David Reed says, requires the act of surrendering to the moment. Surrendering means staying with the good sensations and not focusing on distractions -- am I too fat, do I smell bad, am I making too much noise, oh no! I have to pee -- and it requires trust and a feeling of safety to let go and enter such an emotionally vulnerable state. Trust and safety cannot be dispensed in pill form or squeezed from a tube. These factors need to be nurtured. Having a partner you like, who you do not fear, who you can talk to, who does not pressure you, and who is patient and willing to learn more about your emotional and physical needs is a great start. However, if you are running into other obstacles to orgasm such as those resulting from past experiences of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse; general personality problems with attachment, rejection, co-operation, or entitlement; depression or anxiety; and sexual inhibition due to fear of sexual acts or of their possible consequences, e.g. pain during intercourse, pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease, loss of partner, loss of reputation, etc. you will likely require more than an understanding partner. The standard sex therapy line is that you have to get to know your body first before you can teach someone else how to please you. While that may be true and there are wonderful self-help books and videos to get you started, if you are already able to experience orgasm by yourself but are having much more difficulty when you~Rre with a partner, seek the help of a qualified sex counselor or therapist to help you along.

The Joys that Vibrators Can Bring to Your Sex Life

Is there such a thing as having too much fun?
Would looking for ways to have better sex after years of good sex with your partner be sinfully greedy? From the averted gazes, blushes, and giggles that so many people produce when sex toys are mentioned, you would think increasing sexual joy past some legal limit truly breaks a law. Not so. By nature, human beings are game players and tool users. We enjoy inventing recreational activities that enhance our abilities to do required tasks: accurate javelin throwing and bringing down dinner-on-the-hoof have something important in common. So, too, game-like sexual fantasies, whether all in the mind or role-played with costumes and props, "tools" if you will, are natural extensions of a healthy desire to heighten pleasure and enrich sexual relationships.
Vibrators have a place among the tools that people use to improve their sexual skills, increase their own and their partners' pleasure, and add joy to their sex lives.
Near the end of the 1960's, vibrators came to market as a way to provide women, especially non-orgasmic women, a new kind of intense sexual stimulation whether or not they had a sex partner. Whether hand-held or designed to fasten over the hand, a vibrator is simply an appliance that produces a steady, rapid rhythm - at about 2,000 vibes or oscillations a minute, far steadier and faster than the human hand. Most female orgasms depend on clitoral stimulation, and vibrators provide the most intense clitoral stimulation possible. Sex therapists continue to recommend them for the not-yet-orgasmic.
In lovemaking with a partner or as an aid to masturbation, vibrators work best as a complement to other sexual stimuli. Using a vibrator doesn't reduce the sensual pleasure of direct body contact, of skin on skin, of mouths and tongues, of hands or genitals.
However, repeating the same sexual behavior can put you and your partner in a rut. If you rely for a long time on a vibrator to reach orgasm, you can become fixated on the vibrator's predictable stimulation, making it difficult - if not impossible - to find satisfaction any other way. Even worse, should your pattern of vibrator use cease to work for you, you could face a difficult process or relearning how to be orgasmic.
The best advice: vary your sexual routine, for variety is the spice of satisfaction. Couples often integrate vibrators into their lovemaking to enhance sex play, with the emphasis on play. "The point is not to have a relationship with the vibrator but to use the vibrator to help create a sexual experience," notes Julia Heiman, PhD, co-author of Becoming Orgasmic, in the March 1996 issue of Sex Over Forty.
Experience It For Yourself
So what's it really like? Imagine yourself in the following erotic situations, and if that deep-down flutter response is triggered, give yourself permission to pick up a vibrator and go for more joy. Bob and Laurie like to set a sensual mood every night at bedtime with scented candles, massage oil, soft jazz, perhaps showering or bathing together. They don't expect to have intercourse every night, but they do count on their private time to give them a chance to feel physically close and sexually intimate. One of their favorite sex toys is The Deluxe Foreplay to Love System, a vibrator with various attachments, some of them textured for all-over body massage, some of them for stroking her labia and clitoris or for stimulating his penis.
Just knowing their evening ritual might include a muscle-relaxing massage, along with intercourse or a vibrator-induced orgasm for one or both of them, keeps the aggravations of the day in perspective and reinforces the emotional closeness of their marriage.
"Vibrators are so perfect for orgasms that it's easy to forget how wonderful they are for massage," writes Betty Dodson, PhD in Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving . "Whenever you vibrate, you are stimulating the flow of blood to that area, a marvelous health and beauty treatment for the entire body."
"Many of the products sold as toys are actually therapeutic for many men suffering from decreased penile sensation and/or erection difficulties," said Barbara Keesling, PhD, sex therapist and author of Sexual Healing. For this reason, Margie and Sid ordered their first "plain vanilla" bullet-shaped vibrator from a catalog. Sid had found himself distracted by how much longer it was taking him to become aroused. Worry that he had lost the seemingly automatic hard-ons of his youth was making him avoid sex - a sure way to make it even more difficult to get an erection.
It only took Margie a few tries to discover what Sid finds most arousing. In between stroking, kissing, and gently sucking his genitals, she eases the vibrator up and down the underside and around the coronal ridge (the ridge below the tip) of his hardening penis. Margie always combines the vibrator's rapid stimulation with caresses from her mouth and hands, and sometimes when she and Sid proceed to intercourse she presses the vibrator against the exquisitely sensitive spot between Sid's scrotum and anus (the perineum). Other times, when Margie sits on top of Sid with his penis inside her, he brings her to orgasm by stimulating her clitoris with the vibrator. After she comes, she boosts his orgasm by touching his penis with the vibrator as she moves over him. Even more surprising to them both, the vibrator sometimes helps Sid enjoy a second orgasm with a soft-on!
Aiming For The G-Spot
One of the many specialty G-spot vibrators now available is designed to stimulate what has been described as the G-spot located on the upper wall of many women's vaginas - a controversial subject. (See the June 1998 issue of Sex Over Forty.) The surface of the G-spot tends to feel rough to the touch and, like erectile tissue in the penis, it may become firm and swell when stimulated. Until Daron introduced a G-Spot vibrator into their lovemaking, Sheila didn't know exactly where her G-Spot was or if she even had one. The discovery brought her to a new level of sexual excitement and to entirely different-feeling orgasmic experiences than she was used to from clitoral stimulation. With the help of the vibrator, Daron learned how to find Sheila's G-Spot on his own, and now he takes great pleasure in sharing this new erotic joy with his lover. These days, if Sheila feels more like having sex than he does, Daron doesn't worry about performing. Cradling, nuzzling, kissing, and caressing Sheila as she relaxes back into his arms, Daron watches as she uses first her fingers and then the vibrator to arouse herself. As her vagina moistens, Sheila spreads her labia and slowly inserts the vibrator inside until she finds her G-Spot. Once in a while, the explosive orgasm that Sheila experiences in this position, with Daron's loving hands on her breasts, is just stimulus enough to arouse Daron, and he then masturbates to climax or they go on to enjoy unexpected intercourse.
Try It For Yourself
The ways that vibrators can raise the joy factor in your lovemaking are limited only by your imagination. You can play the watching game and, like Sheila and Daron, find erotic pleasure in seeing your partner climax; you can play fantasy games, with the vibrator a "stand-in" for an imaginary extra player; you can experiment with perineal or anal stimulation. For virtually any sort of stimulation you can imagine, there is a vibrator on the market. If you and your partner explore the possibilities in a loving, trusting, mutually understanding way, there's no downside - just more joy in your sex play.
Marty Klein, PhD, a psychotherapist, Certified Sex Educator, and author of Ask Me Anything: A Sex Therapist Answers the Most Important Questions for the Nineties, urges us not to distrust sex toys just because they are designed exclusively for pleasure. Klein reminds committed couples seeking increased joy and intimacy in their sex lives that "it's good to consider being creative. . . . Relax," he said, "keep your sense of humor, use your experience, and enjoy the results. . . . Don't try to do it perfectly, just do it!"

Getting Back that Lost Erotic Feeling

Editor's Note: The following letter, though lengthy, is printed in its entirety because we feel it illustrates the complexities that individuals sometimes face with issues of sexual health. A quick answer is not the cure for this reader's concerns, and our sexual health experts recommended that we speak to a range of specialists in answering them fully. We also feel other readers will identify with at least some of the situations described here - and will benefit from the answers.
Q. I am a healthy, active 73-year-old widower. I have coronary artery disease and had a 5-way coronary artery bypass in 1986, but no heart attack.
My wife of 46 years died in 1988 after fighting ovarian cancer for two years. We had what I would characterize as a routine sexual and loving relationship for the first 33 years. After that, it deteriorated to an almost non-sexual condition because of emotional reasons (anger, resentment on both sides). I had discovered that I was becoming occasionally impotent in about 1982, but under the circumstances of my marriage it made little difference. During those latter years, I resorted to only occasional masturbation and did achieve climaxes. But by 1988 some stimulation with a hand vibrator was required.
By late 1989 I had gotten my life back together and was very fortunate to meet a lovely lady, a widow of eight years. We both fell in love. She is a loving, caring and passionate person. I told her of my problem with impotence, and she was very understanding. We made love using methods other than intercourse. After such a long period of abstinence, I was thrilled even without the ability to have intercourse or climax. (My last ejaculation was in November 1989 after a long attempt with masturbation.)
In December 1989, I consulted a urologist specializing in potency problems and subsequently got a penile implant. It works great and my lover and I are delighted. She is wonderfully passionate and has multiple orgasms, which gives me great pleasure and satisfaction. Now, life would be even sweeter if I could climax at least occasionally. I took this matter up with my urologist, and as a result received a series of testosterone injections. They did not improve my situation.
If my understanding is correct, testosterone is intended to increase libido, the desire to make love. I have more than enough of that, given the wonderful support of my partner. My problem is that I get little or no erogenous sensation from caressing and fellatio of my penis, and even the expected erogenous feelings from passionate kissing do not materialize.
The closest thing to erogenous feeling for me is when my partner stimulates my nipples in the early part of lovemaking. But even that sensitivity fades after a short time. In addition, very infrequently, I sense upon arising in the morning that I might have the erotic feeling. I have tried masturbating then and found initially some of the old sensations, but these fade after a very short time. We have tried making love at that time period when I have that urge but get the same disappointing results.
I have told my urologist about the lack of erotic sensation. I described the fact that there is very little sensation in the head of my penis (I am circumcised). But the area just underneath the head, where it joins the shaft, is more sensitive to stroking. I stroke there when I have to stimulate the start of urination since I have mild BPH (benign prostatic hyperplasia). However, there is no erotic feeling when my partner and I attempt to stimulate this area during lovemaking. My urologist had no suggestions, and opined that the "nerve endings were burned out." Is there some hope that I can overcome this deficiency? If so, what should I do?
(Note: In a subsequent telephone conversation with Sex Over Forty, the writer of this letter mentioned that he no longer sees the urologist who gave him the implant surgery and later suggested his nerve endings were "burned out." He has started seeing another urologist regarding his prostate enlargement but has not yet discussed his difficulty in experiencing erotic sensation. He also suggested to Sex Over Forty that part of his problem may be psychological, perhaps involving "guilt feelings" about getting involved in a relationship after the death of his wife. He is now married to the partner he speaks of in his letter.)
A. Since your problem is long-standing and multidimensional, involving an array of physical and psychological factors, there is probably no one simple solution. You were right to stop seeing your former urologist, who was clearly dismissive of your problem. You should discuss the situation with your current urologist and probably consult other health professionals, including a sex therapist, as well. But before you do, it is to your benefit to be as well-informed as possible.
To help provide you with information about the possible causes of your problem, as well as its resolution, Sex Over Forty spoke with several medical doctors and psychotherapists, all of whom have expertise in dealing with sexual dysfunction. They are: Steven Auerbach, MD, a urologist in Newport Beach, CA; Steven Morganstern, MD, an Atlanta urologist and co-author of The Prostate Sourcebook; Paul Salkin, MD, an attending psychiatrist at Beth Israel and Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City; Seth Prosterman, PhD, a certified sex therapist in San Francisco, and Michael A. Perelman, PhD, a psychologist and acting co-director of the Human Sexuality Program at New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center. Their suggestions are incorporated into the following information.
First, you should get a complete medical check-up. Certain medical conditions can cause anorgasmia (lack of orgasm) and loss of sexual sensation. For instance, prostatitis - inflammation of the prostate gland - can lead to decreased sensitivity of nerves in the genital region. A urologist can diagnose the condition by checking the prostatic fluid; once diagnosed, the condition is easily treated. You should also have your testosterone level checked. Although you say that receiving testosterone injections several years ago was ineffective, you do not say whether your testosterone level has been examined recently.
If you are currently producing insufficient testosterone, this could be a factor in your lack of erotic sensation. There are alternatives to testosterone injections, such as receiving the hormone via skin patch. The best source to consult is a urologist who specializes in treating sexual dysfunction. If your current doctor does not, contact a medical center in your area to find a urologist who does. Certain prescription (as well as recreational) drugs can interfere with sexual sensation and orgasm. For example, the antidepressants known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI's), including Prozac and Zoloft, are known to have this side effect in many users. Let your physician know what medications you take, including the dosage; you may benefit from switching drugs. Heavy consumption of alcohol (more than two drinks a day) is also associated with diminished sexual sensation; if you drink, you may want to consider reducing your intake or quitting altogether.
It is possible that the penile implant you received was not properly fitted, which could be another reason for loss of sensation. However, getting a new implant should only be considered as a last resort. There are other, less invasive measures you might undertake to restore sensation.
Among these are:
Viagra: This may or may not be an option for you because you suffer from coronary artery disease. If you are taking certain heart medications, Viagra could cause serious illness and even be fatal. This decision should be left up to your doctor. Although Viagra is known primarily for treating erectile dysfunction, it also has been shown to increase sexual sensation and restore orgasm in some users. Morganstern recently studied 15 patients (four with penile implants) who were anorgasmic and experiencing little or no sexual sensation for a period of years. After treatment with Viagra, 12 of the 15 were able to achieve orgasm. Improvement took place "fairly rapidly" and without side effects.
MUSE: With this drug delivery system, the medication alprostadil is inserted into the penis via a thin tube placed in the urinary opening. This increases blood flow to the penis, which, in addition to improving erectile function, may enhance sensation.
L-arginine: This amino acid has been shown to be effective in triggering the production of nitric oxide, a substance involved in relaxing muscles inside the blood vessels of the penis - thus helping increase blood flow to the area. Products containing L-arginine, such as Viramex, may help when taken orally. Consult with your physician before you try any L-arginine products.
Sexual experimentation: Trying different techniques during masturbation or activity with your partner may also help. For instance, using your hand to grip the base of your penis and pull back the skin may make the head of your penis more sensitive.
Since you mention that you experience mild sexual sensitivity in certain circumstances (e.g., having your partner stimulate your nipples, using a hand vibrator to masturbate) you may also benefit from "concentrating on and combining those circumstances you find somewhat arousing," suggests Perelman.
Try using a hand vibrator to stimulate your penis while your partner stimulates your nipples. Focus the vibrator stimulation on the coronal ridge of your penis (where the head joins the shaft), which you indicate is more sensitive than other regions. Engaging in all of these activities simultaneously may result in increased sensation. Don't be discouraged if you don't feel much the first time; let yourself get used to making love in this way and give it a number of tries.
Engaging in fantasy, too, can be helpful. Even though you find your partner attractive and desirable, fantasizing about other sexual situations can help distract you from any performance anxiety you may feel during lovemaking. Both men and women engage in sexual fantasy to heighten arousal, during partnered sex as well as masturbation. Such fantasizing is fairly common, and engaging in erotic fantasy does not mean you love your partner any less. Watching adult videotapes or looking at erotic magazines before sexual activity may also heighten your arousal.
Finally, you should seek out a sex therapist or psychotherapist with an expertise in sexual issues. As you noted yourself, you may be experiencing residual anxiety about getting involved in a relationship after your first marriage. A qualified therapist can help you resolve these and other emotional issues that may be interfering with your sexual response. We recommend that you and your partner attend therapy sessions together since this a problem that affects both of you.
For a listing of names of certified sex therapists in your area, you can contact the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Write to: AASECT, PO Box 238, Mt. Vernon, Iowa 52314-0238.
Your determination to resolve your problem is admirable. Given the recent advances in the treatment of sexual dysfunction, along with your strong motivation to get more physical pleasure from sex, there is certainly reason to be optimistic.

Access To Multiple Orgasm For Everyone

Arousal is physical and psychological and marks the beginning of the sexual response cycle. A person becomes stimulated or 'turned on' and the body reacts to the stimulus. The penis becomes erect, the vagina lubricates and the body prepares itself. But stop just one minute, what happens if the spirit is willing but the body does not co-operate? For people with illness, or disability the usual pathways to sexual arousal, intimacy and orgasm may have been disrupted. There may be no erection, no lubrication or more frustratingly, no access. What then? There is a solution, an alternative route leading to satisfying orgasms and sexual satisfaction. Scientists always knew there was a strong connection between breathing and our mental state. Bad breathing produced sluggish mental ability and the corollary is also true. Stress causes tight and shallow breathing. When the mind concentrates on something specific, breathing slows or may temporarily stop.
Mantak Chia writing in The Multi-Orgasmic Man described the breath 'as the gate through which you can gain control of your body'. We breathe without thinking about it, but we can change the rhythm or depth of our breathing. When you experience sexual arousal, your breathing changes. At first you inhale more deeply, but then this becomes rapid and shallow. Shallow breathing results in oxygen starvation, leading to reduced vitality, premature aging, poor immune system and other factors. Deep breathing is what connects us to our sexual centers and deep breaths help us reach our full orgasmic potential.
A deep breath - a larger-than-average inhale -is called a 'charging breath' by Jack Johnston, author of "Male Multiple Orgasms Step-by-Step," who says our body craves more oxygen as our level of arousal increases. These breaths somehow help us charge our sexual excitation system.
What seems to occur is that breathing becomes 'upper chest' faster, shallow and more panting. For men, ejaculation can rapidly follow. Jack Johnston replaces this pattern with a technique called the 'Multiple Orgasm Trigger' slowing down panting breaths to 'charging' breaths. This delays ejaculation, making it more pleasurable if ejaculation is part of a man's normal sexual activity.
Jack explains that instead of suddenly needing to interrupt the natural sexual flow to prevent or control ejaculation, a man can bypass the 'process of inevitably' that usually leads to orgasm followed by the ejaculation response. Orgasm and ejaculation are not the same event. Orgasms are emotional energetic reflexes. They are often the desired effect of arousal, consisting of waves of intensely pleasurable emotional and physical sensation often accompanied by involuntary bodily muscular movements. In contrast, ejaculation is a glandular reflex including the sensation of crossing a physiological 'threshold' triggering a series of automatic contractions of the prostate gland to expel seminal fluid.
Just as you cannot stop a sneeze, so too does a man experience 'the point of no return' as they approach orgasm accompanied by the ejaculation reflex. Orgasm and ejaculation seem to occur simultaneously, but the good news is that they don't have to. Men can experience multiple orgasms without erection and without ejaculation, and without a refractory period with this technique.
Jack describes men enjoying multiple orgasms, 'switching gears' then enjoying orgasm with ejaculation. The men who have learned this method report that orgasm with ejaculation subsequently tends to be noticeably more pleasurable than they had experienced prior. In addition to breathing, the balancing part of the technique involves using two-part sounds that triggers a multi-orgasmic response instead of an ejaculation reflex. Jack dubbed this the 'Key Sound Multiple Orgasm Trigger (KSMO)' "Because it is the key that unlocks our natural ability to experience multiple orgasm," he says.
"You won't always have to use the KSMO," he said. "It helps you teach your body how to be open to multiple orgasm without the distraction of trying to block or control ejaculation. Once you unlearn old patterns of limited sexual arousal expectations, then you will be able to access the multiple orgasm energy at will. Once learned, the technique can become automatic."
The new pattern helps change breathing in a manner opposite to the pattern triggering the ejaculation reflex, increasing and intensifying erotic enjoyment. Pleasurable feelings surge through the pelvis and through the rest of the body, not just in the genitals. Using the technique can identify feelings Jack says are 'signals' that you are tuning in to the multiple orgasm capacity lying dormant within you, discovering an ability to experience intensely pleasurable feelings.
KSMO may offer hope for men and women living with disabilities including premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, loss of feeling in the genitals, spinal cord injury, etc. As the technique is based on arousal rather than erection, and is not a version of stop/start ejaculation control, or PC muscle squeezing; persons living with disabilities may be able to learn the technique of adding multiple orgasms to their intimate life as long as they experience any erotic feeling in any part of their body.
Robert is caring widower in his 70's living in Eastern USA. His medical conditions of diabetes (30 years), cardiac problems, upper body surgery and radiation treatments have taken their toll on his body. Robert no longer experiences erection. He said "I lost some of the nerves and have lost all of the ability to feel." However he is still able to experience indirect arousal. So using an anal technique stimulating the 'hot spot' near his prostate gland combined with the key sounds and breathing, Robert experienced orgasms of the kind he had never felt before.
He described his experience akin to steps, like climbing the stairs. Then he used the key sounds and savored an orgasm that felt like it lasted ten minutes. "I got up on top of the stairs and all I had to do was look down. I was at the highest point and I just stayed there." He described his earlier sex life as unsatisfactory with a normal orgasm and ejaculation lasting about five seconds. "It seemed like it went on for 10 minutes. I thought I was going to pass out. It was delightful. I was doing key sounds with every four breaths ... I looked down and my penis was flat, with no erection, but I felt an intense and very delightful feeling. It overwhelms. I got on top of the orgasm and stayed there ... A different kind of feeling all over." He said that afterwards he felt very good about himself.
Robert's advice to others is to stick to it. "Find the right sound (for you) and stick to it. Relax more and don't force the issue. Pardon the pun, but stick at it and eventually it will come."
Jack's discovered his technique seemed to work well for women. Mari is a single parent and medical professional in her 30's living in Western USA. With a brain-stem injury and a degree of physical disability, she was fearful pursuing surgery or exploring her sexuality, as she was aware of the risks. She feared an orgasm could cause a stroke, so she approached Jack's technique with skepticism. What she already understood was how the nervous system worked. As a woman, she also felt intimidated and wondered if men learned these techniques, would women become redundant?
After Mari experienced the technique and orgasm, she realised those were negative thoughts. The orgasm came from a deeper place and by using the key sounds and breathing she had control to amplify the intensity of her level of feeling. This knowledge was empowering and gave her full control, which she needed. She said experience and practice was the key. "As I became more active, it let me know I was OK. It validated me as a woman and the program supported me. I didn't have to worry. I'm not going to have a stroke."
Mari's advice to others is that "If you have neurological problems you can have some setbacks. But with KSMO, the technique works. It is worth looking into whether you are disabled or not." For couples; "it can enhance the relationship, not just in the bedroom." Some women found using key sounds the same way as men also gave enhanced multi-orgasmic waves of pleasure. The challenge for men was to separate ejaculation and orgasm without using any artificial last minute penis squeezing, muscle tightening or other unreliable methods. Persons who have learned to experience key sound orgasms consistently reported they were more intensely pleasurable and of greater duration than previously experienced. Jack's technique is based on bypassing the ejaculation reflex altogether with no sense of having to hold back, while at the same time triggering a multi-orgasmic reflex.
Robert B is a 27-year old male suffered a disabling back injury in an auto accident when he was 19. He has six injured vertebral discs along with a “LOT” of muscle soreness and some peripheral neuropathy to boot. After the injury, sex became a difficult issue for him. It was difficult to relax his body enough to feel much pleasure and ejaculatory orgasm resulted in extreme sciatic pain in his sacrum and hamstrings. When Robert first learned of the Multiple Orgasm Trigger six months ago, he was doubtful he could follow the instructions without finding some aspect that would be too much for his fragile body to comply with. To Robert’s surprise, the simplicity of the technique was perfect for him. The focus on relaxation instead of specific muscle control made the difference. “It was all so much easier than I expected. I had my first multiple orgasm after about three weeks of practice. I'll never forget it! After about eight consecutive orgasms I was actually in tears. I felt like I had released sooo much pain and sorrow in just a half-hour or so. It was amazing...” Jack said that once a person, male or female, learned to experience these kinds of orgasms, it was as if 'energy pathways' remained open. Subsequent sexual activity found that these non-ejaculatory multiple orgasms are frequently much more easily accessible.
"Basically the approach I take with this is that if you feel arousal in any part of your body, then there is a chance that this can be helpful for you," Jack said.
*(Melissa Bee is a sexualhealth.com expert and currently at The University of Queensland working on a Post-graduate Diploma in Medical Journalism.)

Together: Sex Toys for Him & Her

When HER pleasure and HIS pleasure come together. Toys to even the playing field this Valentine's day and make one fabulous evening of pleasure for both.
He is ready, she is not, they miss each other. The right sex toy can bring your pleasure and his closer together, without a whole lot of effort.
Couples can experiment, tease each other and explore new heights of sexual satisfaction with the addition of a few fun toys that equal the playing field.
His-n-Hers Toys
These sex toys are made especially for couples, providing pleasure for both of you.
Bo is the new leader this year. Made by Lelo,Bo is an elegant cock ring that has a wide end to vibrate gently on her clitoris. Rechargeable batteries.
The Lush Bunny is a wireless wonder that slides over his penis, giving him pleasurable pressure and vibrating your clitoris at the same time. Stash his TV remote and replace it with the remote-controlled Remote Butterfly vibrator. These vibes are great for couples looking for a semi-public thrill, or who want to tease each other in private: He mans the controls, you relish the thrill of anticipation.
Our newest addition, Invisible Man, comes with many blessings. It is a super-stretchy sleeve that adds girth, gives support to a waning erections and vibrates against her clitoris during intercourse.
Add Easier Orgasms to Sex
Most women need extra clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse. These unobtrusive toys do the work for you.
Slip the Fukuoku right over your fingertip, or have your partner hold it for you. It takes finger stimulation to a whole new level. For hands-free pleasure during sex, step into the Flutterbug, position the vibrating butterfly over your clit, and slide the strap to the side.
Beyond Sex 101
Sex can be so much more than penetration. These sex toys help add creative new tricks to your erotic repertoire.
Spend the evening giving -- and receiving -- a relaxing massage. Indulge all of your senses with sensuous Cleopatra's Erotic Massage Oil. Try new roles in the bedroom with The Erotic Way. Sexy scenarios are provided, along with the necessary accessories -- candle, blindfold and feather -- to act them out KY Yours and Mine --- One lube designed for her body, one lube designed to appeal to a man's body...all in one.

How to Stimulate the Prostate

The Facts: The Prostate is the size of a walnut and is located 4 cm (1.6 inches) in from the anus on the anterior wall, down from the bladder and in front of the rectum.
Prostate Function: The function of the prostate is to lubricate the ejaculation process (adds to semen and other seminal fluids) and to increase pH making the vagina more hospitable and, therefore, more conducive to fertilization. It produces prostatic fluid when the man is aroused and contracts during ejaculation to empty.
Why do it? Pleasure. Plain and simple. Concentration of nerve endings makes stimulation very pleasurable for many men. Intensity of orgasm can increase two or three fold with prostate stimulation. It can also delay ejaculation.
Social Taboo: Some men shy away from prostate stimulation because of the taboos associated with anal play in our culture. Deep rooted (unsubstantiated) beliefs leave men feeling shame and a general concern that they will become or will be considered homosexual.
Communication: Talk to your partner about whether he is open to exploring the prostate. When stimulating his penis with your mouth (aka a blow job) you can show him you're comfortable by playing gently with the outside of his anus and perineum (area of skin between the anus and the testicles).
Position: The most effective way to access the prostate is anally. Have him lie on his back with knees up; this leaves the penis available to play with throughout the prostate play. Sit between his legs. Lube up: Thicker lube is better for anal play.
Fingernails: Keep fingernails short. Latex gloves prevent bacteria lying under the fingernails to get into the delicate rectal tissues. If you have long fingernails put cotton balls over the nail, inside a latex glove. Action: Finger position: With the fingernail pointing back, bend your finger up into a "come here" position. Insert a finger when he is aroused. Slowly rub the outside of the anus smoothing lubricant fully around the area. Slowly slip in the tip of the finger; this will cause the two sphincter muscles to contract. Give him a minute to adjust to the feeling. Watch his facial expressions and body movements to guide you. All the while continue to rub his penis. Move the finger in and out gently at first, more vigorously depending on how he is responding.
The urge: He may have the urge to urinate or have a bowel movement, but he won't. This is just apart of the process of stimulation. External access: If he is too worried about anal play there is always another (albeit less effective) way to access the prostate. The prostate can be also stimulated from outside the anal region. Although not as effectively as internally. Apply pressure to the area between the scrotum and anus. Massage.
Right tool for the job: Start with something small and work your way up. Be sure to use toys that have a flared base to avoid the anus' natural suction. Check out these toys especially designed for anal play.

Lovemaking Tips for Men - You Get What You Give

I was recently asked to do an article dealing with a common sense sexual tip of my choice. Knowing that there were enough other experts who would be speaking to women’s issues, I decided to focus my time on an educational message targeted toward men that would also benefit their partners. Simply put, when it comes to sex, you get what you give.
If you rush too quickly to intercourse you may get off but your partner may not. If you rush, your partner may even experience pain or discomfort instead of pleasure, and may be less likely to be receptive to your needs the next time. Also, many men who rush to intercourse end up getting off too quickly and feeling ashamed or inadequate afterwards. “Wham, bam, thank you ma’am” is not going to get you far in the long run.
If you are in it for the performance you may end up so focused on technique that you actually end up a spectator. When too focused on your technique you risk missing out on the more subtle sensations of sex. Worse yet, if you are so worried about how you are doing, you may not get off at all or you may last so long that your partner ends up dry, sore, and wishing the sexual encounter was over. When the whole sexual experience is focused on getting it up, getting it in, and keeping it in until your partner has multiple screaming orgasms, you and your partner may both end up getting shortchanged. You end up putting pressure on your partner to respond – a strategy that most certainly will backfire – and it becomes very difficult for you to take pleasure in what’s happening in the present moment.
When you engage your mind and whole body during sex in addition to your genitals, more areas of your brain are activated. This has been confirmed by the latest fMRI studies of the brain during orgasm. My research with spinal cord injured men and women who experience orgasm despite paralysis and loss of sensation in their genitals demonstrates the power of the mind and a sense of connectedness with your partner to facilitate pleasure and orgasm.
If you take a little more time to tune into your partner and yourself and partake in more whole body pleasuring, you will avoid three of the most common mistakes men make in sex: 1) rushing too quickly to intercourse; 2) performing too mechanically; 3) ejaculating too quickly.
By slowing down, staying in the present moment, allowing yourself to follow the natural flow, and including more complimenting, kissing, stroking, and massage, you allow the sexual energy to build and spread throughout your bodies and your brains. Lovemaking is likely to last much longer but with both partners experiencing a greater sense of connection leading to more intense and satisfying orgasms.