The Role of Emotions in Orgasm

When pioneer sex researchers Masters and Johnson studied human sexual response, they chose men and women who were easily orgasmic and observed them masturbate to orgasm in a lab. There they found that men and women could reach orgasm in about the same amount of time. The results painted a picture of more similarities than differences in sexual responsiveness, with women actually having the upper hand so to speak. In the lab, women demonstrated the ability to be multiorgasmic whereas men failed to come through with more than one orgasm at a time. A theory of sexual response based on controlled laboratory research is one thing but real life experience tells another story. In a more representative sample of men and women in the United States, 61% of women who engaged in self-pleasuring always or usually experienced an orgasm vs. 82 % of men; yet only 29% of women reported always having an orgasm during sex with a partner vs. 75% of men. Women clearly have more difficulty finding their way to orgasm in the context of a relationship than do men. From a medical perspective, men are somewhat more pre~Sdick~Ttable. It has been assumed that if a man can keep his erection throughout intercourse then he will have an orgasm 98% of the time. This assumption stems from a medical model of sex that can be more easily understood as the friction model. The friction model of sex is straightforward, mechanical, and genitally focused. Take an erect penis, apply a sufficient level of stimulation, and voila, the result will be ejaculation and orgasm. Female sexual response has proven to be more complex. After 8 years of research and several large-scale placebo-controlled studies involving approximately 3,000 women, Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, has ditched efforts to demonstrate that Viagra is an effective treatment for women. Simply improving blood flow to women~Rs genitals hasn~Rt translated into significant improvements in women~Rs subjective sense of sexual arousal or their ability to have an orgasm. For some strange reason, women in real life seem to need psychological stimulation in order to perceive their arousal. Medical science is finding out what most feminist critics have known for a long time: women ain~Rt men! For women, psychological, emotional, and relationship factors play a greater role in determining ability to orgasm than for men. In general, women need to feel a sense of emotional connection with their partners, not just a genital one, to get them started on the pathway to pleasure. Orgasm itself, as sex therapist David Reed says, requires the act of surrendering to the moment. Surrendering means staying with the good sensations and not focusing on distractions -- am I too fat, do I smell bad, am I making too much noise, oh no! I have to pee -- and it requires trust and a feeling of safety to let go and enter such an emotionally vulnerable state. Trust and safety cannot be dispensed in pill form or squeezed from a tube. These factors need to be nurtured. Having a partner you like, who you do not fear, who you can talk to, who does not pressure you, and who is patient and willing to learn more about your emotional and physical needs is a great start. However, if you are running into other obstacles to orgasm such as those resulting from past experiences of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse; general personality problems with attachment, rejection, co-operation, or entitlement; depression or anxiety; and sexual inhibition due to fear of sexual acts or of their possible consequences, e.g. pain during intercourse, pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease, loss of partner, loss of reputation, etc. you will likely require more than an understanding partner. The standard sex therapy line is that you have to get to know your body first before you can teach someone else how to please you. While that may be true and there are wonderful self-help books and videos to get you started, if you are already able to experience orgasm by yourself but are having much more difficulty when you~Rre with a partner, seek the help of a qualified sex counselor or therapist to help you along.